Plucky Survivors See Europe Day 16: Venice to Milan

Upon leaving Venice, my primary thought was that I liked it but didn’t love it.  While I was able to find a few more authentic areas and had some great food, I feel like everything I have read about overtourism are true – the are simply too many people trying to cram into too small of an area.  I’m very happy that I saw it once in my life, but I do feel like once is enough.

I retrieved PluckyMobile from its cage in the parking garage and set out toward Milan.  Since I left earlier than I had planned, I had time to kill, so I decided to avoid the crowded highways and cruise the northern Italian countryside.

Narrator voice: this… was a mistake.

In one of my prologue posts I talked about the existence of the LTZ in Italy – Limited Traffic Zone.  These are areas of cities and towns where traffic is heavily restricted to, the say, reduce congestion and pollution.  Every municipality manages their own so there is no nationwide standard on when, where, and what can and can’t go through them.  It’s fungible based on the day of the week, the time of day, and, I think, the mood of the town elders.

In my research I read that Waze was particularly good at rerouting you around LTZs. 

Narrator voice: it isn’t.

I set out on the byways outside of Venice, small two-lane roads that were absolutely jam packed with traffic.  I quickly discovered that everything you think to be true about driving in Italy is totally true.  Things like speed limits, lane markings, and traffic signs are apparently only there for decoration; innocuous art on the road that everyone glances at but promptly ignores.  It’s the automotive equivalent of Dogs Playing Poker.

Except for the terrifying parts of the Autobahn where there are no speed limits, Germay, Austria, and Czechia had lured me into a false sense of driving security.  There, things are orderly, mannered, and relatively civilized.  Here, it is the Wild Wild West.

And let’s talk about roundabouts for a moment.  They are everywhere and they are just as cutthroat and lawless as you might imagine.  It’s “Lord of the Flies”.  It’s “Game of Thrones”.  It’s “Terminator 2: Judgement Day” and I was Sarah Connor hoping that the Cyberdine Systems Model 101 would show up, hold out a hand, and say, “Come with me if you want to live.”

I had barely been driving for twenty minutes when I saw the telltale signs marking an LTZ on the road leading into a small town.  It’s big red circle on a white background and a bunch of stuff in Italian underneath.  That’s right next to a camera.  Go past that without the proper permits and it’ll take a picture of your car and send you a fine, which can range from about $100 all the way up to $450 depending on which invisible demarcation line you breached.

I stopped and tried to get Waze or Google Maps to get me where I wanted to go without going through the LTZ but they wouldn’t hear of it.  They both sat there, giggling while an automated voice said in a singsongy tone, “You’re gonna get a ticket!  You’re gonna get a ticket!”

So, I basically went back the way I came until Waze rerouted me… right into another LTZ.  This happened about five times before I finally gave up and plotted a course for the nearest highway.

The A4 through northern Italy is basically I-95 through Florida only without alligators.  Nobody uses their signals, everyone is either doing 20km under the speed limit or 50 over it, there are more semi-trucks than you could possibly count, and traffic goes from full throttle to dead in the water in a heart-stopping moment.  There were several times when I was not sure how I didn’t hit the car in front of me or get rear-ended.

I stopped often at the rest areas that are alongside the toll road every 20-30km or so.  At one, a group of Italian guys in loud shirts tumbled out of an SUV, very clearly drunk and singing what I image is some sort of soccer anthem.  Replace soccer with football and you basically have American “bro’s” who probably brag about how many women they’ve bedded, which is always a lie.

Both myself and PluckyMobile made it to Milan intact and undamaged, except maybe psychologically.  I was fine, but the car seemed like it needed a hug.

That wasn’t helped by the hotel garage, which is built for cars roughly half the size of PluckyMobile.  At this point I’m grateful the SUV I was going to rent wasn’t available because it never would have fit.

The room wasn’t ready, so I followed the desk agent’s recommendation and walked a few blocks to Osteria Mama Rosa, a place that I was absolutely not dressed for in my shorts and polo shirt (it’s freakin’ hot y’all).  I asked at the door, indicating my clothes, “Is this okay?”  The maître ‘d said, “If is okay with you, is okay with me.”

A lovely glass of prosecco as a welcome, a big basket of bread, an amuse bouche of house made croutons and seasoned tomatoes (basically a bruschetta), a salad that was entirely too big, and a plate full of gnocchi, meatball, and spinach followed.  It was all fantastic but way too much food.

The room at the StarHotels Ritz Milano is quite nice, with a giant terrace overlooking the city, and that’s where I plan to spend most of my time in Milan.

I have officially overdone it the last two weeks and am tired to the bone.  I’ve driven almost 1,000 miles and walked almost 100 miles.  Something had to give and, I’m sorry Milan, but it’s you.  Once I got into the room I immediately fell onto the bed and napped for two hours.

Somewhat refreshed, but with not a lot of time to explore, I took the subway to the center of town to knock out some pictures of the main suspects: the Duomo, La Scala, and Gallerie Vittorio Emanuele II.  The former is a cathedral that took more than 600 years to build and one of the largest in the world; the middle is the famed opera house, built in 1778; and the latter is a high-end shopping mall built between 1865 and 1877.

While I was there, I stumbled upon a Leonardo Di Vinci museum/exhibit and went inside.  It’s all faithful reproductions of his various ideas – everything from a perpetual motion machine to a flying mechanical dragon and more.  The guy was both a genius and completely nuts, as many geniuses are.  They even had a digital reproduction of The Last Supper complete with a VR headset that you could use to explore it.

Even though I had enough food at lunch to last me a week, I still wanted dinner – have you met me? – and so I let Eater.com guide me to one of what they call the 37 Best Restaurants in Milan, Camparino.  It was conveniently located in the Gallerie, so it won the coin toss.

It is a lovely, high-end place – more cocktail bar than restaurant – but the food was phenomenal.  They started with a small tower of amuse bouche including a beef tartare taco (for lack of a better description), a savory puff pastry with something delicious in it that I didn’t catch, and a dumpling of sorts with roe, plus a bowl of olives and house made chips.

Dinner was from the starters section – house made rustic bread and salted butter, Milanese-style Mondeghili (breaded meatballs), and a pasta croquette, breaded macaroni with ham, peas, and a rich cream sauce.  It was all fantastic and paired well with the gin/Campari cocktails I had.

I’m back at the hotel sitting on my terrace, which is where I plan to stay.  Sorry Milan.  Something had to give and it wound up being you.  I’m sure you’re lovely and maybe I’ll be back someday to see more.

Florence tomorrow is on the chopping block, too.  We’ll see how I feel.  Then I have four full days to chill a bit in Rome before doing a mad dash through Genoa, Zurich, and Dijon to get to Paris by the end of next week.